"If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then." - Murphy's Law
Countries Travelled

Sex with an alien (from the Philippines)

For the past three months I have endured nightly visitations by an alien creature, who then erases my memory of everything before leaving. The only way I have learned of this is through giving birth to his offspring. I have suffered acute pain during this time, before learning that I was impregnated by this monster that was trying to cut off my blood circulation, and rupture my internal organs. It was in-fact a twisted ovarian cyst, the size of a large mango, but I prefer the more imaginative side of this story.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have suffered for the human race. While this parasite tried to take me over as it's host and destroy the world, I treated it with constipation and period pain remedies. I was a little confused about the source of the pain. Drinking olive oil and fibre drinks I discovered is the quickest way to lose weight, while various enema's were becoming a timed race in butt clenching techniques. Oddly enough this did not assuage the demon within me. Pain killers of various measures were administered until I could have starred in a B-rate zombie movie. When I could no longer walk without being physically sick through pain, I thought it about time to visit the hospital. Sadly enough, I had to sacrifice one ovary in the process of it's extraction, but a small price to pay considering the alternative outcomes. Very luckily for me, the doctor predicted perhaps another 24 hours before rupturing would have occurred.

I am in the Philippines, under what I consider to be some of the best health care in the world. The nurses and doctors are tremendously kind, thoughtful, and with a bed side manner that England has long forgotten. I have been here six days convalescing and laughing at some of the oddities. For the first few days they bring me three meals a day, and tell me that I cannot eat them, only drink the juice, a lesson in temptation I'm sure. Then they leave, placing the tray by the door, which then takes me half an hour to get out of my bed to obtain the juice, dragging my IV with me. When I am able to eat a full diet once again, they bring me a fish head, yum!. I am told I should walk around in my room to ease the pain, though it is not big enough to swing a mouse in here. But in their thoughtful way they bring me an IV stand which I can walk around like a training horse. Lastly, the best medicine, morphine. If anyone knows of a legal way for me to obtain this without having to suffer severe pain, could you please let me know.

So having arrived in the Philippines, between the typhoons and undergone major surgery, I am considering that Father Christmas has already been very kind to me and given me my best present yet...the fact that I'm still alive! I am now resting in Borocay, which has one of the top ten beaches in the world, and yes it's rainy season.