"I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it." - Jonathan Winters
Countries Travelled

The Flores Sea, and a crazy Emma

Live-aboard

When I heard live-aboard for a month on the Flores sea, exploring tiny islands, some of the world's best reefs and it won't cost me...who would say no! When I tell you the rest, I have no idea what the hell possessed me.

1. No other women, 10 men and all strangers
2. Muslim crew and it's the start of Ramadan
3. Men keep staring at my chest and one of them has a large knife
4. There are no communications, apart from a satellite phone and the owner sleeps with it
5. I have to share a cabin with an old guy with an oral hygiene problem
6. It's the wet season
7. Three people speak broken english, the others speak none

So I'm stuck on a floating weight watchers, crossed with a Betty Ford Clinic. My imagination running riot, the best scenario I can figure is that I could be sold for slavery, end up as a concubine, (just wish that man would put the knife away) or will I be sold off to terrorists. This is not my idea of fun. As in any situation where I don't know what to do, I sleep, in the hope that when I wake up it will all be better. I wake up, it's no better, but I still have my virginity, so there is always a silver lining to every cloud.

Sharky Shark

Spearfishing brings it's own set of enemies. Following a successful spearing of a couple of juicy ones', the local shark force thinks it's in for a take away. The local's are about to ditch the fish, before I, aka 'Lara Croft' come to the rescue. Armed with my diving knife, I take the fish, and start to waggle them about, ensuring lots of blood spillage around me. This is accompanied by me singing 'Come on sharky shark, come and get it, dinner time'. The local's think I've lost the plot (which I have), and swim away. The shark's come closer, fins down, hungry look in their beady eyes. But it would seem I'm too much of a match for them, they swim away, knowing that I, Tarzan of the sea, am once again victorious.

Lobster attack

I was told that catching lobster by hand is easier by night. First blind them with the torch, then grab them, sounds easy eh? Er no! While night diving I spot one and try and grab it but it's too fast for me and hides itself in a cave. Excellent I have it cornered. Now for the hard part. Blind it...reach in slowly...oh hell!! It not only comes at me, but tries to attack me. Claws out, spikes protruding, it's had black belt ninja training. There ensues a frenzy; me screaming, trying to back out of the cave, followed by a psychopathic lobster going in for the kill. There's a fight, a short one as the lobster makes his great escape. What somebody forgot to tell me was that you're supposed to wear gloves while attempting this, and I end up looking like I've been lacerated by 'Edward Scissor Hands'.

Spawning season

November is the month for coral spawning, supposedly an amazing sight to behold. I cannot think why millions of corals all ejaculating at once, after saving it up for a year, is a great sight. There is no choice between spit or swallow on this trip.

Bombing

Despite a sentence of fifty years for bombing of the reefs, it is still practiced here. And a little too close at times. I have heard it many times from a distance, but there have been some close calls. On a couple of occasions it felt like a shock-wave going through my heart. The thing that concerned me was whether my heart would be able to resume it's own beat again and whether I would surface with any ear drums left. After the twentieth time I wondered if there was a personal vendetta out against me.

Scooters

Evil Kenevil didn't know what he was missing. I am the biker of the seas. Using underwater scooters for reef surveying is the best fun. Figure of eights, wheelies, donuts, backward somersaults, you name it I can do it. The fish just tend to stare a lot, with that condescending look of, 'Oh look another idiot that thinks they can maneuver as well as me'. Just show me where the sharks race is.

Water shortages

What do you do when the water pump breaks down? You smell, that's what! Four weeks of a water shortage. Shower in salt water, wash clothes in salt water, wash hair...it's a waste of time. I am a salt encrusted human being that has adapted a layering system of deodorant to disguise the worst.

Never again, well maybe...knowing me.